What to do when you’re working with a toxic leader

Jonathan Hayashi May 10, 2018

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As a bright-eyed 19-year-old college student, I immediately found a church to get involved with in my new college town. However, when I applied for a position at this church, I had no idea there was a history of high turnover that had become a regular part of this inner-city church. I also didn’t know the church had a reputation for being a spiritually-abusive church, primarily through the leader’s manipulative control tactics. What made the situation more difficult was the pastor was well-known in the area and couldn’t be questioned.

“The best thing you can do, Jonathan, is leave. It is hard for a leader to change after decades of ministry. You really don’t have much hope.” said a church consultant who worked within our denomination. My wife and I prayed fervently for years and decided it was time for us to look elsewhere. 

Now that I have been out of that toxic environment for several years, the red flags seem more obvious. However, they aren’t always clear until you move deeper into the life of a church and sometimes it feels too late to turn around.

I told myself repeatedly, Ministry is difficult, and I need to put up with this bullying pastor. 

However, after six years of ministry with this church leadership, I left. Now, I realize how much legalism and spiritual abuse had wrapped its fingers around my faith. After a few years of intensive counseling, I again tasted the freedom we have in Christ. 

I am still discovering how my view of God, myself and the Bible were tainted by this toxic leader, but here are three takeaways from this painful experience. 

1. Trust in the sovereignty of God.

God is sovereign over the world, and everything that happens in it (Psalm 135:6). He is never helpless, never frustrated and never at a loss. There are no limits to God’s rule. This is part of what it means to be God. This reality should give us hope for it declares to us that God is bigger than whatever we face. 

You can trust in a sovereign God who also bleeds for you. 

Take heart, friend. Be encouraged. The struggle you’re facing, God can handle it. Place your faith in the Creator of all things, who sustains us by His irresistible grace. 

2. It’s OK to hurt.

Don’t suppress those emotions God has given you, especially during painful times. God wants you to be honest and real with Him and those safe people in your life. He gave you these emotions. Holding back your emotions could create internal havoc or cause an emotional eruption at some point. 

When we go through difficult seasons, this suffering allows us to turn our eyes away from the things of the earth and to turn our eyes to the Creator who sustains all things by His Word.

Christ uses our suffering to display His glory.

However, don’t let bitterness be a hindrance to the work the Lord is doing in you and through you within His local church. 

3. Love God and love people even when you don’t feel like it.

We’re called to love people—even those who may have hurt us. Yes, with the understanding that the ways these leaders are leading may not be biblical. Potentially, a leadership focused on power has toxic roots. However, God created them in His image and loves them deeply and sent Jesus to die for them. 

“Whatever that  person may be like, we must still love them because we love God.”

- John Calvin

Start praying for the person you struggle to forgive. Start blessing the person that makes you bitter. 

You will soon discover, God will transform your heart and even the hearts of those around you that He has placed in your life. 

Photo source: istock 

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Dr. Jonathan Hayashi earned his B.A. from Moody Bible Institute with a double concentration in Pastoral Ministry and Biblical Studies; a M.A., in Congregational Leadership from Moody Theological Seminary, and Doctorate of Educational Ministry in Biblical Counseling from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He presently serves on the Executive Committee at Southwest Baptist University (Bolivar, MO) and serves on the Board of Trustees at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. He served as Senior Pastor at Northern Hills Baptist Church Holt, Missouri from 2020-2022. Learn More »

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