What I’ve learned from angry emails
Most pastors and leaders count on email to communicate. We can’t make a call or schedule a meeting each time we need to tell a fellow staffer or leader something. I send scores of emails and receive upwards of 100 each day. I don’t know what I’d do without it. But sometimes email has not served me well. I’ve learned many lessons from angry emails, sometimes my very own.
Several years ago I began an email conversation with one of our pastors who leads our missions efforts at the church where I served at the time. We began serving overseas in Nicaragua and it captured the hearts of many in the church. I’d been there four times and looked forward to many more trips, especially to train pastors in leadership.
We began planning for an upcoming trip and the first step was to create a budget. A church member who serves as the lay leader of our mission team crafted a first-draft budget which came out a bit too high. In my mind, it was the first step: get a draft budget and then adjust the cost to fit within our available funds.
Well, the pastor in charge saw the budget (copied via email) and sent me an email that this surprised him. I assumed that serving the pastors surprised him. I sent a quick email back (in frustration) that I was surprised he was surprised because I had been clear about my desire to serve the pastors. He then sent me an emotional email and after a couple more emails back and forth, we were ready to declare war on each other. We both thought, What is wrong with this guy?
The next day we talked by phone and realized we had totally misunderstood each other. It was the proverbial Mars versus Venus issue. He assumed one thing and I assumed another. We were able to resolve what could have been a severe blow to our relationship in a short phone conversation.
Here are some lessons I learned plus a few more about using email.
- Never send a first draft email you’ve written in anger. Set it aside and re-write it, several times, removing the emotionally-laden language.
- If an email exchange begins to escalate in tone, stop and call or meet the person.
- Realize that the human mind will usually assume the worst-case scenario when an email is misread.
- UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR EMAIL TO SHOUT, DON’T USE ALL CAPS OR USE !!!!!!!!
- Keep emails short. Think about it. When you get an email that goes off the page, are you inclined to read it?
Photo source: istock
 | Charles Stone coaches and equips pastors and teams to effectively navigate the unique challenges ministry brings. By blending biblical principles with cutting-edge brain-based practices he helps them enhance their leadership abilities, elevate their preaching/ teaching skills, and prioritize self-care. A pastor for over 42 years, he has served as a lead pastor, associate pastor, and church planter. He published seven books, and over 300 of his articles have appeared on various Christian leadership websites. He holds four earned academic degrees, including a D.Min. and a Ph.D. Learn More » |
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