The reality of loneliness in ministry

Jonathan Hayashi Jan. 4, 2023

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I knew how taxing the ministry was going to be. But no one told me how being in leadership meant going through loneliness.

A recent study conducted by Lifeway Research called, "Pastors' Greatest Needs" a survey of 1000 American protestant pastors of the past 2 years revealed that pastors struggled with discouragement and depression. The stress of ministry can often lead to loneliness with a lack of friendship.

This is understandable, as I serve as a Senior Pastor myself. So much of the training pastors receive in seminary is how to lead through theological doctrinal differences and correct those thoughts.

However, according to Peacemaker Ministries, over 19,000 congregations experience conflict every year. Out of that only, 2% involve doctrinal issues; the other 98% is interpersonal in nature. A survey of 506 pastors revealed 95% experience conflict, sadly only 16% reported reconciliation as a positive outcome. 4 in 10 left their position, 38% of members left their church.

I knew ministry will be tough, but there are no words to describe the piercing wound a pastor experience when church members share that they are leaving the church. Even further, nobody ever told me how painful it is where people whom you trust turn around and betray your friendship.

Ultimately, out of all the surveys, the leading causes (85%) of church conflict is a matter of, "control issue."

As a result, there are two responses.

Escape route: live in denial by avoiding the problems that exist. This often happens when people leave the church, quit their job, or get a divorce.

Attack route: begin to use intimidation tactics by gossiping and slandering others. At times this will manifest by getting a band of people to fire the pastor at business meetings.

Both are ungodly ways to deal with conflict. If not dealt with properly, this damages the relationship detrimentally and destroys the Christian witness amongst the community.

As a result? Leaders avoid conflict and overlook an offense which often leads to loneliness. Church conflict is inevitable. Therefore, conflict is not the problem but avoiding conflict resolution is.

Ministry leaders are in doubt and feel as though they are alone in isolation and separation from people. The weight of ministry secludes the leader from others and goes through the dark road of loneliness. The higher one climbs up the ladder of ministry, information is confined and trusted not able to share or disclose in confidentiality.

The truth of the hard lesson in leadership is dealing with loneliness.

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Dr. Jonathan Hayashi earned his B.A. from Moody Bible Institute with a double concentration in Pastoral Ministry and Biblical Studies; a M.A., in Congregational Leadership from Moody Theological Seminary, and Doctorate of Educational Ministry in Biblical Counseling from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He presently serves on the Executive Committee at Southwest Baptist University (Bolivar, MO) and serves on the Board of Trustees at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. He served as Senior Pastor at Northern Hills Baptist Church Holt, Missouri from 2020-2022. Learn More »

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