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“I don’t know what to do about Tina. Her passive-aggressive behavior is driving me crazy. She’s been sitting on a report I need. She’s had it for weeks but won’t turn it loose.”
This client administers a state-wide contract for healthcare services. She’s an expert in her field, has compiled an impressive resume in her 30-year career and is grooming the organization for her successor.
However, Tina had her stumped.
“Tell me the language you use with Tina. How do you typically request information? What are the actual words you speak or write when addressing this issue?”
“I say something like, ‘We need this information. We have a deadline to meet and could be subject to penalties if we don’t get it to the State by their deadline. When can you get it to me?’”
“So, you use ‘we language’ or ‘team language.’ You’re soliciting collaboration and cooperation with the rest of the team?”
“Yes.”
“Well, since that’s not working, it’s time for you to be more assertive. Instead of using ‘we need’ language and ‘when can you?’ questions, you must be more directive and state your expectations. Don’t ask questions, make ‘I statements.’ For example, you might say, ‘Tina, send me your report by 3 p.m. today.’”
“I see that, but it’s contrary to our corporate culture.”
“That’s precisely the problem, isn’t it? In this case, the corporate culture isn’t making Tina feel directly accountable for the timely performance of her duties. Do you want to continue limping along as you have been, or do you want to fix this? If you want this issue solved, you must be assertive. Tell Tina exactly what you want and when you want it.”
Two hours later the client sent me a text message. “It worked! It took five minutes to get what I needed. I’ve been tearing my hair out for weeks over this.”
Assertive pastors get things done
Let me tell you the story of two pastors who learned the value of assertiveness.
Joe pastors a mid-sized church in the South. Joe started at the church as the youth pastor. Three years later he became the lead pastor. He inherited several staff members, one of whom had hoped to be the lead pastor. As you can imagine, the staff member became a thorn in Joe’s side.
When Joe began coaching, we spent quite a bit of time discussing the staff member. When it became clear that Joe had all the issues out on the table (he circled back to issues previously discussed), I asked Joe, “How much longer are you going to avoid using the natural leadership gifts that God has given to you? You already know what to do, you just don’t feel like you have permission to do it. Well, guess what—you do. That’s clear by how God wired your personality.”
Joe closely matched the profile of a turnaround pastor. He just needed permission to be who God wired him to be. Joe exercised his naturally assertive leadership style. He told the difficult staff member his expectations. Seeing the handwriting on the wall, this staff member resigned and a major obstacle disappeared. The church has flourished and almost doubled in size.
Frank pastors a small church on the West Coast. One is naturally assertive but had learned to pull his punches; the other is more indirect and passive. Frank’s “assertiveness score” on the Birkman Method TM profile indicates a significant need to develop consensus before moving ahead. This led to an extremely passive board; everyone knew they would have to talk things to death, and that decisions would be hard to come by.
In our collaboration, I asked, “Frank, what would youlike to see happen here?”
Frank stated his opinion and intentions for the church. He knew what he wanted, but feared to speak his mind. Frank developed a strategy to announce his ideas to the board, state what he wanted to happen and how each board member should help out.
After the board meeting, he called me elated. The board not only embraced his direction, one member affirmed Frank’s leadership in glowing terms.
Assertiveness works
Each of these clients asserted themselves. They expressed their opinions, stated their expectations and asked for cooperation. It surprised and delighted each of them when they got the results they wanted.
Of course, there are times in the life of a church and the ministry of a pastor when wisdom calls for indirect leadership, purposeful consensus building and careful deliberations.
Those are rare occasions. They are the exception rather than the rule for pastors who are attempting to lead church revitalization.
Bottom line?
Know what you want, be clear about what you need and state what you think clearly, firmly and graciously.
You’ll marvel when people join your efforts to move that church off-plateau.
Photo source: istock
 | Bud Brown is an experienced ministry leader, writer and educator. He is co-founder of Turnaround Pastors and co-author of the ground-breaking Pastor Unique: Becoming A Turnaround Leader. He brings special expertise to change leadership in the local church, mentoring pastors to become revitalization leaders, training churches how to find and recruit the best talent, and training leadership teams how to achieve their shared goals. Learn More » |
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