A lesson in true listening

Langdon Montgomery Dec. 18, 2019

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You’ve probably heard this before: “Pastor, I don’t think you hear what I’m saying.” Too often, it’s true. Let’s face it; we’re good at speaking but not always very good at listening. (Perhaps some of your family members have pointed this out to you!).

After almost 25 years of pastoral ministry, and now, three years as a trained chaplain, I am convinced that often pastors don’t listen carefully. However, with a little bit of practice, you can significantly improve your listening skills no matter what type of setting you may encounter. Here are three ways to improve your pastoral-care listening skills. 

1.  Listen for a long time without interrupting. “Be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19). Get out of the “Mr. Fix it” mindset. Don't try to fix them, give advice, solve their problem, cheer them up or make them happy. Don’t quote the Scripture and run. Listen with your heart as well as your head.

A Jewish rabbi is credited with saying, “Men have two ears and but one tongue, that they should hear more than they speak.” Try listening 70 percent and speaking only 30 percent of the time. The other person should do most of the speaking.

2. Listen to their story. Everybody has a story and wants to be heard and understood. It’s still true that, “Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” Listening to their story, problem or point of view proves that you care for and respect them (even if you disagree with them). 

Before a good shepherd ever leads or corrects the sheep, the shepherd first earns their trust by caring for them. If you are analyzing what the other is saying and silently thinking of what you’re going to say next, you will genuinely miss hearing their story. 

Your role is to be ‘other-centered,’ focused on what the other person is saying. Slow down and listen for their content as well as for the emotion and intensity of their voice. Notice body language, facial expression and especially their eyes. Hold up a ‘mirror’ to them by repeating or paraphrasing what they said back to them using their own words. This approach will assure them that you are actively listening to their words. 

For example:

• “So, you’re saying that you’ve tried to talk to your sister about this issue, but she has refused to talk with you about it.”

• “What I hear you saying is that…”

• “If I’m hearing you right, you are…”

• “You’re telling me that…”

3. Climb down into the ‘pit.’ This is the hardest part of focused listening. Too frequently, when a person feels that they are in a ‘pit,’ we may crawl over to the edge of the pit, lean over the edge, and shout, “Cheer up! It’s going to be OK. Stand on God’s promises. Now get out of that pit!”

However, that's not what a hurting person may need at that moment. First, they need someone to climb down into their ‘pit’ and be with them. The person needs to know that you know what it feels like to be in their pit. A good shepherd stays close to the sheep and crawls down into the ravine to help them out.

Empathetic listening and validating their emotions without judging them is the key. Here are a few examples of how to respond, showing that you genuinely understand them.

• “I’m so sorry you are going through this.”        

• “That sounds hard (frustrating, angering, frightening, disappointing, etc.).”

• “It sounds like you have really tried to make sense of all of this.” 

• “You feel hurt because of this experience.”  

• “That would frustrate me too.”

• “Why do I see tears in your eyes?”

The advantage of using these pastoral care listening skills is that the person feels understood, and therefore, cared for by their pastor. As you are listening, the Holy Spirit often gives insights and “Aha!” moments to the person, as they solve their own problem or discover a more profound meaning within their story. 

Self-discovery is a powerful motivator for change. This approach takes the burden off of the pastor and puts it on the Holy Spirit. Hopefully, the pastor will not fall into the trap of trying to ‘fix’ people or always having to provide the ‘right’ answer in every situation. Are you truly listening?

 Photo source: istock 

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Langdon Montgomery has served as pastor in several churches over 25 years. He now serves as a hospice chaplain and resides in Hampton Roads. He has a Masters of Divinity from Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary and has taught three courses at Regent in their Continuing Education and Professional Development Department focused on leadership and preaching. He coaches pastors through Ministry Leadership Coaching, Learn More »

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