When you're stuck, do you reject help?

Christian Muntean April 27, 2023

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When my youngest son, Gideon, wasn't quite two, I gave him one of those little squeeze packets full of pureed fruit and veggies. It had a little twist top. I started to open it for him and he got grumpy with me. Grumpy: the kind of noises that the kid two rows behind you on the airplane is making.

So, I let him figure it out. More grumpiness. He held the packet back out to me for help—so I reached out and…expanded grumpiness. I stepped back…reiterated grumpiness.

We did the back-and-forth thing a couple of times. He wanted it opened, wanted to do it himself, and somehow (without suggesting he couldn't do it) wanted me to make it open.

I eventually left the room and let him wrestle with it. After several minutes (an eternity in toddler time) he eventually came back to me and held the little packet up. I twisted the top off and handed it back. Cherubic smile. "Tank-oo." He'd just started learning to say that. Cutest thing ever and made all grumpiness (and the mess after he squeezed the packet all over himself) seem worthwhile.

But, wow! Was he working against himself to get his snack!

Then I reflected and thought about myself and my career. For about seven years, I resisted basic marketing practices for a solo consultant. I didn't understand how to do it but felt embarrassed to admit that. Although I didn't really understand what I needed to do, in my imagination, whatever it was would be embarrassing and awkward-feeling.

I wasn't sure that getting help would actually be helpful. So, instead of taking the dreaded risk of possibly unhelpful help, I accepted my struggle. In fact, I developed a moral theorem that explained and supported my superior position of ignorance and low results. That way I could feel superior to those people who were doing well.

And I was grumpy.

Eventually, I got sick and tired of being grumpy and not being able to open my snack. I took my practice, my career, and my aspirations and held them up to someone and said, "Help." They did help. I realized I had better keep doing that. I haven't gone a year since then without having people whom I invest in, who help me grow professionally and personally.

I started hiring coaches who helped me with mindsets, marketing, habits, building better relationships with clients, and with spiritual growth. I immersed myself in professional communities and supportive groups. I forced myself to become comfortable with being the "dummy in the room."

Now, I offer coaching and this isn't an article to tell you that you should hire me. What I'm addressing is that basic, human, toddler tendency to want to do it all ourselves. To reject help. The people who are the very worst at this are the smartest and most competent. Brains and potential sometimes rank right up there with drugs and alcohol for inhibitors of success. They are addictive and perception warping.

We all need help. We all do better with help. We just need to get out of our own way.

There is a lot of help out there:

• Books on the topic
• Podcasts from experts
• Friends who've had success in this area and are willing to share ideas
• Friends of friends who, more than likely, would be willing to talk to us if we asked for an introduction
• Coaches
• Counselors
• Ministers
• Support groups
• Professional communities

Basically, when I get stuck, I've realized it is pointless to curse the stuck-ness and hope that God or a fairy godmother will come to rescue me from my own self-justified lack of motivation.

I need to create two changes:

1. Change my inputs:In any area that I want to grow in, I've learned to turn on all the information faucets on that topic. I immerse myself in books, conversations, podcasts, articles, webinars, and anything else I can find related to how I want to grow. Eventually, I figure out what inputs are more valuable than others and I adjust.

I'm busy. A leadership coaching business, and three young kids at home. I volunteer with a number of boards. And so on. I also make a point to read about 50 or more books a year. I don't have a TV. I'm selective and purposeful about what I listen to when I drive or hike. I'm intentional about my inputs.

2. Change my relationships:This might be addition or subtraction or, often, both. Some of my biggest changes are the direct results of building (or hiring) relationships with people who could see the way I wanted to see, do what I want to do, and be who I want to be.

Along with this, I have also needed to pull away or reprioritize relationships who only saw in ways that I no longer wanted to see, weren't doing what I wanted to do (or, often, what they wanted to do), and weren't who I (or they) wanted to be.

This wasn't easy at the beginning. I eventually figured out I didn't need to tell people, "You are unmotivated, so we can't be friends." I just shifted where I spent my time. The people I had genuine friendships with, I maintain the friendships, but I don't spend anywhere near as much time with them. It wasn't always painless, but I grew tired of fear and unhealthy friendships that were functioning as anchors.

I was involved in a number of professional groups that did nothing except waste time. I was afraid that if I left the groups, there might be some kind of negative consequences (because they all thought they were important, and, at first, I believed them). Then, I discovered that the people who are getting things done don't go to those meetings.

Are you where you want to be in life? If not, what do you need to do to get out of your way and let someone help? What are one or two inputs that you should bring into your life? What are some relationships, or kinds of relationships that you need to add? Are there any relationships that you need to remove or reduce?

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Christian Muntean is a seasoned expert in fostering business growth and profitability. With a Master's degree in Organizational Leadership and certifications as a Master Coach, Certified Exit Planning Advisor (CEPA), and International Mergers & Acquisitions Expert (IM&A), he guides entrepreneurial leaders through growth, succession planning, and exit strategies. He is an accomplished author of three books, including Train to Lead. Christian resides in Anchorage, Alaska, with his family.  Learn More »

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