What to say and do for your friend with a grieving heart
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ChatGPTFor several years I sought to establish a Grief Share group in our church. I was never able to identify those who were willing to lead the ministry. However, much to my surprise, it wouldn't be until my wife died that two people would come forward to start and lead the ministry. For this, I will forever be thankful.
For over 25 years, Grief Share has helped over one million people heal from the pain of grief.
If you are walking on the grief journey, I highly recommend this program. Through videos and group discussion those participating could learn healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve.
At a previous meeting we discussed how grief can impact your friendships.
At one time or another, people seeking to aid the one in grief will say or do the wrong thing.
"At least they're not suffering anymore." "They're in a better place, "Time heals all wounds," are all familiar expressions the grieving person may often hear.
Even the most well-meaning friends and family members can say things that may make you feel hurt and angry.
You might be tempted to avoid interacting with such people because they don't understand what you're going through, but it is important to remember that not all people know how to act or what to say when they are around grieving people.
I learned that one-third of your friends will not be helpful, one-third will be somewhat helpful, and one-third become those whom you will rely and depend upon as you go through grief.
I have found these statistics to be true. Those one-third who have been most helpful are those possessing certain characteristics.
They are not afraid to ask how you are doing and really want to know.
They are empathetic and good listeners. They feel your pain and are not uncomfortable dealing with your emotional highs and lows.
They periodically stay in touch and understand that those grieving need to know you care and that you have not forgotten them.
They understand that more than anything else the grieving person wants to talk about their loved one, and they look to provide opportunities for you to share your memories about them.
Those who have been most helpful to me are the ones who have made phone calls, sent letters or e-mails, or made personal visits to ask how I was doing.
Through my grief journey, I have learned that even those who would like to comfort you feel uncomfortable doing so, and while they might desire to be of help, they have little idea what you need or what you are going through.
I've learned that you need patience with such people and not place unrealistic expectations on them.
I've learned to respond with love when they say or do the wrong thing, or when they act like nothing is wrong and seem surprised to discover that while you may seem well on the outside, on the inside your heart is breaking.
Proverbs reminds us to be gracious with such people. "A person's wisdom yield's patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense" (Proverbs 19:11).
I've learned to rely on God and upon those friends who understand, and who seek ways to show their love and concern.
I have learned that isolation is the worst route the grieving person can take, and that good relationships are essential and are needed more than ever.
"When grief is overwhelming, the most natural tendency is to hide. But once you are comfortable to suffer in the presence of those who will listen and will not back away, and who are not uncomfortable in the midst of your pain, it will make a positive difference in your grief journey. Shutting yourself off from other people only prolongs the intensity of your pain." writes Dr. Larry Crabb. (paraphrase)
God's word reminds us that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and who has no one to help them up" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). We truly need each other.
The next time you want to help someone on their grief journey, and you are not sure what to say or do, just pray and ask God to show you how you might respond. He will guide you and give you the right words or actions that will help heal the grief wounds born in the heart of your friend.
 | Tom Crenshaw serves as Connections Pastor of the New Monmouth Baptist Church (non denominational) where he previously served as a three year interim.He has been married to Jean for almost 50 years, and they have four children, all of whom are teachers.Tom loves perennial gardening, umpiring high school baseball, coaching baseball and football, fishing for small mouth bass, rooting for his favorite team, the Cleveland Indians, and listening to ‘real’ country music, the classic kind. Learn More » |
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