What I've learned about responding to criticism
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As I reflect on over five deacdes of vocational ministry, including 12 years in two church staff positions and 38 years as a Christian university professor, here's a distillation of what I've learned the hard way. I wish I had known and applied these suggestions from the start.
1. Not every critic or criticism merits a response.
If I defend myself from every salvo, the effort siphons off time and energy needed elsewhere. Ask the Lord for discernment concerning whether to respond, and how. Be especially hesitant to reply impulsively to critical emails or texts. Perhaps the best response to these forms of criticism is when you don't hit SEND.
2. Pray for a teachable, non-defensive spirit.
Critics aren't always right, yet God's Word repeatedly tells us to listen. Representative of numerous verses in the book is Proverbs 17:10: "A rebuke goes deeper into a wise man than a hundred blows into a fool."
Dawson Trotman, founder of the Navigators, received a lot of harsh letters because, in the 1940s, he went outside the established church to launch a ministry to sailors. He took every letter into God's presence and said, "Lord, show me any kernel of truth in this criticism."
Even if I'm convinced that 90% of what a critic says is off-base, I'm responsible before God to heed the other 10%.
3. Don't interrupt.
Let the caller or face-to-face critic finish. Then ask, "Is there anything else you want to say?"
4. Restate the complaint to assure understanding.
Say something similar to this: "I want to recap in my own words what I think you're saying. Tell me if I heard you correctly." This prevents overreaction on my part and keeps me from reading into the critic's words something that wasn't intended. Too many times I've reacted to what a critic didn't say, the hurt I felt causing me to overthink on his or her words.
5. If you aren't fully convinced the critic has a valid point, you can still dignify the input with words similar to these:
"I promise to think and to pray about what you've said. I want to heed anything the Lord may want to say to me through you. Thank you for expressing your thoughts." Resist the urge to go on the defensive before you've digested what was said. A harsh, on-the-spot attack of the critic may demonstrate conceit or deep-seated insecurity.
6. If an apology is necessary, give it quickly.The longer I wait the more likelihood that pride will keep me from asking forgiveness. Waiting gives me more time to rationalize the behavior for which I was criticized.
7. To help you determine the accuracy of critical input, ask yourself questions.
- Consider the source: Is this a respected, credible person?
- Has he or she exhibited loyalty or love to me in the past?
- Have others offered the same criticism? (Is there a pattern here?)
- Ask a mature friend or mentor, "Do you have the same impression?"
8. Determine if the current criticism is rooted in an unresolved conflict with this person, or a past grievance this person has against you.
This is more likely if the current criticism seems extremely hostile or exaggerated. Could you have said something long ago that hurt or frustrated this person? Review your history with the person for any clues.
9. Protect your heart from bitterness.
If a criticism cuts you deeply or slanders you, repeatedly ask God's Spirit to keep resentment from wedging its way into your heart, and ask Him for the capacity to love this person unconditionally.
When someone sinned against me years ago, besmirching my reputation unfairly, I kept telling myself that my sin against a holy God is far worse than anyone's sin against me, yet I'm forgiven—lock, stock and barrel (Eph. 4:32). My basis for forgiving another is that I've been forgiven far more. I can give grace because I've received it. Besides, I primarily hurt myself when I tolerate bitterness. Resentment is a poison I drink in a vain attempt to hurt someone else.
The "bottom line" thing I'm learning about critics is this: I'm responsible for my responses!
 | Dr. Terry Powell is Faculty Emeritus at Columbia International University, in S. C., where he is an Adjunct Professor in Church Ministries. Dr. Powell writes a blog on faith and depression entitled Penetrating the Darkness. He is the author of Serve Strong,which helps volunteers as well as vocational Christian workers combat discouragement, persevere through weariness, and cultivate endurance for the long haul. Learn More » |
More on Conflict & Criticism
- Unique problems grow you uniquely (by Richard Blackaby)
- They tried to quiet Charlie Kirk—but the gospel still speaks (by Bob Russell)
- The power of an unoffendable heart (by Tom Crenshaw)
- How did Jesus deal with animosity? (by Chris Bolinger)
