What I learned about sitting with people in their messy lives

Dennis Brooks March 18, 2023

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I learned a valuable lesson yesterday.

A good friend of mine is going through an extremely difficult season of life—a season of his own making. Yet, in my interactions with him, he seems more upset at the disruption of his all-American life than he is about his own actions.

At least that's how I viewed it.

I had figured out exactly what he needed. He needed "tough love." He needed to be told to stop playing the victim card.

There. Judgment declared and rendered. Thank goodness I was able to step in and save the day!

Except that's not what he needed.

Turns out, I'm not the judge. In fact, I didn't really know what kind of help he really needed.

Underneath it all, he simply wanted someone to sit in the mess of life with him. To let him know that even though life has come crashing down, he is still loved. There is still hope, there is still a God who loves him, and still life to be lived.

It reminds me of the adulteress brought before Jesus in John chapter 8. In this story, a woman is caught in the act of adultery, dragged out of the bedroom and brought before Jesus (v. 3). The religious leaders who caught her wanted to kill her, but in an effort to trap Jesus, they brought her to him to see how we would render judgment (or not) (v. 6).

But Jesus didn't play their game.

When asked point-blank what he thought should happen to this woman, Jesus didn't respond. At least not verbally. Instead, he knelt beside her and started drawing in the dirt (v. 6).

In other words, he sat with her in the mess of her life.

That wasn't OK with the religious leaders. They wanted a judgment. They were out for blood.

Jesus finally spoke and basically said, "Whichever one of you judgmental people has never messed up or made a mistake, you go ahead and be the first one to start the process of killing this woman" (v. 7 paraphrase).

Silence.

And then the thud of rocks dropping, feet shuffling, coats being gathered and onlookers dissipating.

But the story doesn't end there. Jesus, after sitting in the mess with this woman, and full of compassion for her, looked straight at her and said, "where is everyone? Did no one condemn you?" (v. 10). She replied, "No, no one" (v. 11). And Jesus said, "Neither do I. Now go and sin no more" (v. 11).

He sat with her and waited. In silence. No judgment, no "I've got the answer—let me tell you how to fix your problem." Just silence and presence.

Eventually Jesus spoke, and his words conveyed both love and truth. Make no mistake—he told the woman to stop sinning (i.e., stop sleeping around), but first he told her he does not condemn her. He wanted the sinful actions to stop, but the person who committed that sin was still a daughter of Eve and still loved.

Another friend told me one time, "God's love and His light shine best through you when you show love and compassion to others. But sometimes you get this self-righteous attitude and determine that you are going to set someone straight and when you do, God's light and love don't really shine through you as much."

Ouch.

My friend didn't need me to "fix him." He didn't need to be reminded of what actions led to his current situation (he told me he thinks about it every day, all day). What he needed was for me to simply sit in the messiness with him and tell him he is still loved.

It was a humbling experience. I like to "fix" people and their problems because I know what's best and I can clearly see the problem and the solution—how arrogant!

My friend with the dumpster-fire of a life right now just needed someone to sit with him without the self-righteous judgment I was prepared to give.

Just sit and be.

It made all the difference in the world to him.

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Dennis Brooks is a husband, father, grandfather and healthcare executive based in Louisville, KY. He has the honor of serving as an elder at Southeast Christian Church and is very involved in the Foster/Adopt ministry at his church. In his spare time, he enjoys hiking, sports of any kind, and reflecting and writing about the ways God is continually shaping him. Learn More »

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