The big problem with miscommunication

Mike Bonem Oct. 18, 2022

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Miscommunication is a major source of problems and conflict in churches and ministries. I am not talking about cases where someone blatantly lies or misleads.

These are troubling, but relatively uncommon. Instead, I'm referring to those instances when a person's sincere words don't seem to match their later actions. These moments cause listeners to wonder, "Did you really mean it?"

Specific examples include:

• The search committee for a new pastor lists "strong leader" as their highest priority. But when the pastor arrives and starts exhibiting leadership, the resistance is immediate and intense. Did they really mean it?

• A church's leadership council agrees that "it's time to make some changes to reach our community." But when the time comes to implement the first new program, none of them pitch in. Did they really mean it?

• A pastor proclaims "building a vibrant children's ministry will be our top priority this year." But neither the budget proposed by the pastor nor the investment of the pastor's time indicates that anything has changed. Did the pastor really mean it?

These situations, and many others, create a variety of problems. People begin making plans based on what they heard. The new pastor launches an initiative to revitalize the church.

A gifted volunteer agrees to lead the community outreach effort, assuming there will be plenty of support. When reality doesn't match these expectations, people end up disappointed, hurt, and angry.

The mismatch between words and actions also creates credibility problems. You probably know the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Once someone has been "fooled" by a lack of support or follow-through, they are less likely to believe, much less follow, that leader in the future.

A simplistic response is to divide people into two groups: those who are trustworthy and those who are not. But the reality is that no one perfectly aligns their words and actions.

Does this mean no one is trustworthy? A better response is to seek to understand why words and actions are often disconnected.

Why would you commit to something and then not do it? Why would others do the same?

How can understanding these dynamics grow your capacity to lead?

These are the questions we'll explore in the future. For now, be mindful of what you say, especially any "we shall …" pronouncements. Do you really mean it?

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Mike Bonem is an author, consultant, speaker, church leader, businessperson, husband and father. He has an MBA from Harvard Business School and a breadth of experience in ministry and business, including 11 years as an executive pastor, consulting with Fortune 100 companies, and leading a start-up business. This article was first published on MikeBonem.com. Used with permission. Learn More »

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