Parental estrangement
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ChatGPT"Like everyone who has ever lived, Amy was raised in an imperfect home. Unlike everyone, her imperfect home was loving and stable. After Amy grew up and went to college, she began to realize in her new environment that she disagreed with her parents on important issues like politics, religion, and morality. Those disagreements were heightened when she moved in with her boyfriend.
Amy and her parents were trying to work through these problems when COVID hit, just as Amy was getting engaged. A conflict over vaccines was so charged that Amy refused to invite her parents to the wedding. Her parents were completely distraught but decided to let things cool down before reaching out with gentle communication after the wedding. When they wrote to her, they shared how much they loved her and wanted a relationship with her, even though they didn't always agree.
The response they received from Amy and her new husband was heartbreaking. The couple wrote, "Do not call, text, or email us. Do not send us gifts, packages, letters, or deliveries. Do not come to our house. Do not use other individuals or extended family to communicate with us by proxy."
The above story is from a new book by my friend Heath Lambert, minister of the First Baptist Church in Jacksonville, Florida, called The Ten Commandments: A Short Book for Normal People. It's an excellent, concise treatise on the Decalogue. In his chapter, "Honor your father and your mother," Heath discusses a growing problem in America now known as "parental estrangement." Dr. Lambert reports the painful experience of Amy's parents is just one example of a trend that recent surveys indicate is happening in the lives of 26% of young adults. More than one-fourth of young adults are now estranged from their parents! That's horrible.
A father told me last Sunday after church, "Bob, I appreciated your blog about Christians who hate Donald Trump. My adult son notified me last week that he wouldn't be coming to our house for Thanksgiving or Christmas and would never return until I renounced my vote for Donald Trump."
Wow. That's incredibly sad—and irrational. There's an old saying, "You become what you hate." Sometimes people who hate Donald Trump for being divisive and cruel become divisive and cruel themselves. Political convictions have become so deeply entrenched that people are severing some of their closest relationships rather than practice tolerance, flexibility, and forgiveness—virtues that were once highly regarded. Whatever happened to, "Let's disagree without being disagreeable"?
In his book, Heath Lambert goes on to report, "Some parent-child relationships are broken in adulthood because of horrible instances of violence and abuse from childhood. But the growing pandemic of parental estrangement is not grounded in mistreatment, but disagreement. Disagreements about the best way to live lead many young adults to decide their happiness and mental health is strengthened by going 'no contact.'"
Jesus warned there would come a time when families would be divided over spiritual commitments:
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
For I have come to turn
'a man against his father,
a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
a man's enemies will be the members of his own household'" (Matthew 10:34–36).
If you are a young adult who is cutting off communication with your parents, stop and think seriously about what you are doing to them—and to yourself. Chances are no one will ever love you as deeply and unconditionally as your parents. When you cut them off, you not only wound them; you deprive yourself and your children of a meaningful relationship and enriching experiences for years to come.
Frankly, I have a hard time understanding how anyone who claims to follow Christ, even remotely, can justify permanently terminating a relationship with their parents. I know some wounds are deep. But we are called to show mercy if we want to receive mercy. Rather than angrily rehearsing the issues that have alienated you, I'd encourage you to quietly read and meditate on the following verses of Scripture—and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal what you should do.
Exodus 20:12 — "Honor your father and your mother…"
Matthew 6:14–15 — "If you forgive… your heavenly Father will forgive you."
Romans 12:18 — "If it is possible… live at peace with everyone."
Ephesians 4:32 — "Be kind and compassionate… forgiving each other…"
 | Bob Russell became the pastor of Southeast Christian Church at just 22 years old. That small congregation of 120 members became one of the largest churches in America, with 18,000 people attending the four worship services every weekend in 2006 when Bob retired. Now through Bob Russell Ministries, Bob continues to preach at churches; conferences throughout the United States, provide guidance for church leadership, mentor other ministers and author Bible study videos for use in small groups. Learn More » |
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