How to be firm without being a jerk

Christian Muntean Aug. 21, 2018

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It comes up more often than you’d imagine: “We can’t get our employees to show up on time!” (Or follow through on an assignment or complete a project, etc.) 

I ask, “What happens if they are late?” 

The answer, “Nothing. But we’d like them to show up.” 

I follow up, “Why does nothing happen when they are late?” 

The answer, “Because they always have excuses or get upset when I bring it up.” 

I push, “And why do their excuses or attitude create a problem for you?” 

The answer, “I don’t want to be a jerk.” 

It’s such a frequent issue. The employee who tries to push your boundaries. They try to be the exception to the rule. Or if they can’t get around the rule, bend it. Or break it. 

It’s exhausting. 

How do you stay firm on a decision or policy or rule without being a jerk? 

Two practices for earning respect

There are two practices for being firm and earning respect, but not being a jerk. 

The first has to do with how you lead before you need to be firm. The second has to do with how you communicate while you are firm. 

Clarify expectations. Be clear on what is expected (behaviors, performance, attitudes, etc.) in advance of the issue. Practice anticipatory leadership. To try to look down the road and be prepared for what’s coming. 

It isn’t possible to anticipate every clarification that may be needed. But if you run into an issue that you need to deal with more than once, you should examine it to ensure you are clear in your expectations. 

Be consistent.Relate to your expectations consistently. If you are consistent, people around you also learn to be consistent. Most staff inconsistency reflects inconsistency on the part of leadership.

You won’t have to be firm, as often, if you practice clear expectations and consistency. 

If you allow ambiguity or are inconsistent—you are creating work for yourself. You’ve only got yourself to blame for that. 

How to have a firm conversation

When clarifying expectations and being consistent means having an important conversation, then here are steps to keep in mind for clear communication. 

1. Go directly to the person or team in question

Just go and talk directly to the people who need to be addressed. Everything else is an exercise of avoidance. Don’t include others who aren’t involved. 

2. Affirm the relationship

When you have to be firm, it can feel uncomfortable. As a good leader, you want them to listen to you, and you want to build them up: 

Affirm them. Let them know they are a valuable member of the team. That they have great potential. That their contribution is noticed and appreciated. 

Even though you have something difficult to say, don’t make it personal. You aren’t rejecting them as a person. You are just addressing an issue or behavior.

3. Address the single action 

Too often we don’t act firm until we’re angry enough. Then, we pull out the laundry list. 

It’s too much. It feels like an ambush. It’s confusing. The person doesn’t know how to respond or how to begin to fix things. 

Focus on one issue. It’s best if you focus on one specific behavior. Be specific. Help them know where to focus. If you don’t know what you want them to focus on—neither will they. 

4. Use a non-judgmental cause & effect

First,objectively describe the behavior you didn’t want. Thendescribe the consequences caused by that behavior. 

The reason behind this format is to stay away from character attacks or accusations. Those aren’t fruitful. 

What we want to do is help the employee to understand what they did, the impact it had and to help them see why we want to change. 

5. Describe a clear way for restoration, next steps and accountability

This step is critical yet often ignored.

Be clear about what it is you want. What does “fixing it” look like?  If you don’t know how to describe it—can you expect that they can figure it out? 

6. Reaffirm the relationship

This is important. The conversation may not have been easy.

Depending on their emotional maturity, they might feel frustrated, defensive or ashamed at being confronted. 

Affirm them again: 

We appreciate your ability to relate to customers! 

I’m glad that you are part of the team and look forward to a great year this year. 

Thank you for pitching in and helping last week when we were short staffed. 

Let them know that you do notice the good things that they’ve done. You don’t see them as all good or all bad. You haven’t rejected them. 

This is more important then some realize. 

Just make your affirmation genuine. If, for some reason, you are struggling to think of something to affirm, then affirm the future relationship or success that you anticipate with them. 

7. Reflect and adjust

Was there something you could have done that would have prevented this situation from happening? Is there something that you should do to prevent a similar situation from happening again? 

If so, take action. Build the policy, clarify the expectations, begin the process. Use these incidents to help grow the organization overall. 

If you follow these steps, you’ll practice being firm without being a jerk. It’s part of teaching others how to relate well. It’s part of modeling how to have difficult conversations without letting them get weird. 

Photo source: istock 

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Christian Muntean is a seasoned expert in fostering business growth and profitability. With a Master's degree in Organizational Leadership and certifications as a Master Coach, Certified Exit Planning Advisor (CEPA), and International Mergers & Acquisitions Expert (IM&A), he guides entrepreneurial leaders through growth, succession planning, and exit strategies. He is an accomplished author of three books, including Train to Lead. Christian resides in Anchorage, Alaska, with his family.  Learn More »

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