How to avoid anxiety while dealing with criticism

Bud Brown Oct. 5, 2019

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Would you be happy to know that criticism—far from being a warning light showing that something was wrong—was clear evidence that you are an effective leader? If “no good deed goes unpunished,” then critical church members mean you’re doing a good job revitalizing that stagnant church![1] 

If nothing’s changing, there’ll be little to complain about. Yes, they may fret over this dwindling numbers or poorly attended functions, but most churches would rather make peace with their demise than change to survive.

When seen in this light, what’s the proper response to criticism?

The self-differentiated leader

Effective leaders are differentiated selves. This helps them deal with criticism by moving the organization to a higher level of function while guarding their physical and emotional well-being. Well-differentiated pastors recognize the difference between their thoughts and emotions and those of their critics. The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family defines differentiation in this way:

A person with a well-differentiated “self” recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear-headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. 

Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures.[2]

The differentiated pastor will present several behavioral characteristics that serve the organization and the pastor’s well-being.

• They step outside the emotional climate of the moment.
• They are willing to be vulnerable.
• They persist in the face of resistance.
• They maintain enthusiasm in the face of sabotage.
• They stay committed to the mission.

The self-differentiated response to criticism

If self-differentiation is a new concept, the key is to recognize that your emotions and your thoughts are different than the thoughts and emotions of the critic who is blasting you. They’re delivering criticism wrapped up in their own negative emotion, but there’s no need to react to their anxiety.

All you have to do is respond in ways that maintain the personal connection but leaves the anxiety on their shoulders. Four steps will help you respond as a self-differentiated leader.

1. Take a deep breath

When the critic has finished, purse your lips and nod thoughtfully. Examine emotional response for anger (you want to punch back) or fear (worry about a loss), and then tell yourself, They are trying to deal with their anxiety by pushing it on to me, but I will leave it with them.Then take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and get a grip on yourself.

2. Show that you’re listening

Let the critic know that you’ve heard the message. Not the message conveyed by his choice of words, but the “meta message,” the emotional payload. “I can see that this was difficult for you to say and that this is uncomfortable for you. I can only imagine that this has been building up for some time. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me the truth about how you feel.”

3. Ask questions

Show your willingness to listen further by asking open-ended questions, but don’t ask “Why?” Instead, ask questions that give the critic an opportunity to further explain the source of anxiety. Doing so will lower their defenses and yours and make it possible to work toward a mutually beneficial solution.

• “When did you first notice that this was becoming a problem for you?”
• “What triggers these critical feelings, and how have you been trying to cope with them?”
• “How often do you experience these frustrations?”

Then ask a few questions that leaves the responsibility to solve the problem with the critic.

• “What hurdles do you think we need to clear in finding a solution?”
• “Where are the roadblocks for your own forward movement in this area?”

4. Become a comforter

Criticism that expresses resistance to needful change as grounded in grief; we have lost something that member found precious. Treat this critic the way you would treat a dying patient or a bereaved family member. Expressions of love, connection and hope for the future will help deal with the loss.

• “I can only imagine how painful this must be for you.”
• “It hurts me when I must release things that have been meaningful in the past.”
• “In time the pain will subside and a new future emerge. I hope you’ll join us in that.”

5. Reframe

Remember, if the criticism is about a change which has come about because of your leadership, this is a positive sign. You’re being an effective leader. If the complainant refuses to accept the change, there’s nothing you can do about that. They’ll either get with the program or they’ll look for a new address. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t take on their anxiety.

This is the price you pay for being a leader. Lean into it and give thanks to God for the opportunity to receive the slings and arrows any effective leader will have to dodge.

1. This is a fundamental premise of Edwin Friedman’s ground-breaking A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix.  ↩
2. “Differentiation of Self”, The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. http://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/  

Photo source: istock  

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Bud Brown is an experienced ministry leader, writer and educator. He is co-founder of Turnaround Pastors and co-author of the ground-breaking Pastor Unique: Becoming A Turnaround Leader. He brings special expertise to change leadership in the local church, mentoring pastors to become revitalization leaders, training churches how to find and recruit the best talent, and training leadership teams how to achieve their shared goals. Learn More »

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