Four ways effective leaders deal with conflict and weirdness

Christian Muntean June 11, 2021

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The voice on the phone said, "We'd like you to work with Bill. He's one of our supervisors. He has problems working well with other people."

"What makes his ability to work with others important to you and your company?" I asked.

"We're grooming him to become the managing director."

"He's probably not the right guy," I observed.

Leadership is relationship

A leader's relational skills directly correlate with their leadership skills. Highly effective leaders canand do interact with others effectively. Particularly in times of conflict.

This is consistently true. How someone relates to conflict is a powerful indicator of their readiness for senior leadership. When selecting or promoting a leader for a senior position, do not choose someone who needs remedial work in their social skills. You won't stop regretting it.

Defining conflict

People are often confused about what conflict is. Conflict can be defined as, "Any time there is a perceived disagreement over something important to two or more people." That part isn't confusing.

What confuses most people is a false idea that conflict is a failure and something that should always be a) avoided or b) won.

Less effective leaders pick A, B, or swing back and forth.

Highly effective leaders recognize that conflict is an opportunity for growth, for trust to be earned, or to understand others at a deeper level.

Machiavelli was wrong

Because it is so easy to gain power or position without effective relational skills, including in conflict, many people assume that social competence is optional.

Not true. While there is nothing new about someone being able to bully, or manipulate their way to the top, that same individual will always underperform.

It takes exponentially more energy and effort for this same leader to be effective. They end up wasting an enormous amount of time and resources on political game playing, defending positions, avoiding issues and fixing mistakes.

The Machiavellian approach to life is about gaining and maintaining power. Power is the ability to assert, force or enforce your will. It doesn't require much of a relationship.

Leadership is the ability to intentionally and predictably influence the decisions and actions of others. The most effective leaders rarely choose to utilize power. The most effective leaders build healthy relationships.

Then they can focus their efforts on leading. Not on trying to gain or maintain power.

Not convinced? Watch politicians. Most focus on this Machiavellian approach. Few accomplish much. Much of what is accomplished doesn't last. Most spend their time on managing power and control.

Why? Because providing actual leadership is harder to do than achieving a position of "leadership."

Being nice is also wrong

By this, I mean the person who needs to be liked, who needs to be "nice," who needs to please.

This can be clearly seen in how they relate to conflict.

Effective leaders confidently introduce change, confronting issues, making hard decisions or challenging processes. In other words, conflict is what leaders do.

I'll say that again. Just to be clear: Conflict is what leaders do.

If someone isn't good with conflict – they will underdeliver as a leader. A leader who avoids dealing with issues or problem behaviors will never be able to build a healthy, vibrant team. A leader who avoids hard decisions or refuses to challenge "the way things are done" isn't leading.

Being liked—or being—nice isn't leadership.

What to look for when choosing someone for leadership

When it comes to conflict we typically look for the absence of it. But the most effective leaders aren't afraid to engage in conflicted or potentially conflicted conversations. What differentiates them is howthey go about this. Look at these four areas to determine if someone is ready to lead at a higher level.

• Personal Strength: Is this person clear on their priorities? Do they have a healthy self-image? Are they personally resilient—can they relate to and bounce back from disappointment or failure well?

• Relationally Competent:Do they treat others authentically and respectfully? Do they deal with issues in a timely way? Do they have a track record of pursuing genuine resolution when relationships go sideways? Do they actively build good relationships? Are they free from an unhealthy need for the approval of others?

• System & Structure Insight: It has become my experience that many, perhaps most, unhealthy workplace conflicts emerge from poorly designed systems or structures. For example, effective leaders ensure that there is alignment between strategic priorities and how they, and others, structure their calendar or spend their time. They ensure that hiring processes are in line with strategic goals. They clarify roles and responsibilities so they are relevant to the actual work. They structure internal communications so everyone has easy & timely access to the information they need. They create mechanisms to ensure accountability.

Ineffective leaders either leave these things to chance or avoid systems and micro-manage. Sometimes they build bureaucracy as a method of control – as opposed to building processes that focus efforts to be more strategic and efficient.

• Culture:Organizational or team culture is constantly being created and recreated. It often becomes a reflection of the values of senior leaders. The best leaders forge cultures of deep mutual respect and bold honesty. They don't participate in or tolerate backroom politics. They don't have "after-meeting meetings." They model how to care about other people as well even while addressing sometimes challenging issues. They create cultures where this is normal.

When growing your leaders, look for people who enter into and relate to conflict well. It'll save you time (and grief) while improving the performance of your people.

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Christian Muntean is a seasoned expert in fostering business growth and profitability. With a Master's degree in Organizational Leadership and certifications as a Master Coach, Certified Exit Planning Advisor (CEPA), and International Mergers & Acquisitions Expert (IM&A), he guides entrepreneurial leaders through growth, succession planning, and exit strategies. He is an accomplished author of three books, including Train to Lead. Christian resides in Anchorage, Alaska, with his family.  Learn More »

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