Five ways to lose and gain influence

Carey Nieuwhof June 19, 2025

my saved content

VIEW AS
A PDF

Adobe

How do you gain and keep influence with people?

Love them.

It's almost that simple, and it flows from this principle that's true of almost all of us:

We listen most to the people we love the most.

This is a principle my friend Reggie Joiner and I teach to parents when we talk about fighting for the hearts of our children. Every parent is on a journey from control to influence. We start out with almost complete control of a child's life, but by the time our sons and daughters are 18 and ready to face life on their own, all we have left is influence.

As an adult, our kids do what you and I do: they listen most to the people you love the most. Which means that as a parent, you need to establish an authentic relationship with your son or daughter if you hope be an influence in their lives. People simply listen most to the people they love the most.

But the principle is much wider than just parenting. It's true of leaders too. If leadership is influence, then somehow this principle ties into how we lead. You listen most to the leaders you love and admire most.

So, here's the question: what makes you admire them? Sure, they're smart and offer insight. But it's deeper than that. What else is influence about?

I think there are some characteristics around influence that attract us, and conversely, also repel us when they are not present.

So, let's be specific. What kills influence? And conversely, what cultivates it?

These are not exhaustive lists, but here are five characteristics I've noticed in leaders who have lost influence and leaders who have gained influence.

First, here are five things leaders do that kill influence:

#1 Demand that people listen to them.

#2 Promote a self-centered vision.

#3 Worry about who's listening and who's not.

#4 Try to gain influence for influence's sake.

#5 Ignore other people and voices.

Leaders who gain influence exhibit different characteristics.

Here are five things I've observed in leaders I admire that steward influence well. Leaders who gain influence:

#1 Love people. This is not about emotion as much as it is about action. Love is a decision, and it focuses on taking an interest in others for their sake, not for yours.

#2 Listen. The more leaders listen to others (really listen), the more they learn and grow.

#3 Help people realize their dreams, not just the dreams of the leader. A selfish leader wants people to help him realize his dream. A better leader finds a common dream in people and helps them realize theirs.

#4 Encourage people. As far as I know, no one has ever died from over-encouragement. It costs you almost nothing but it often means everything to the person you're encouraging.

#5 Stay humble. Leaders worth following know that influence is a trust from God, and it's on loan.

What have you noticed about influence? What attracts you about the people you listen to most? And what diminishes a leader's influence in your eyes?

my saved content

VIEW AS
A PDF

Carey Nieuwhof is a former lawyer and founding pastor of Connexus Church. He’s the author of several best-selling books, including, Didn’t See It Coming: Overcoming the Seven Greatest Challenges That No One Expects But Everyone Experiences. Carey speaks to leaders around the world about leadership, change and personal growth. Learn More »

• Read the room to lead the room (by Jenni Catron)
• How to maintain your integrity, even when the cookies look irresistible (by Scott Cochrane)
• Three ways to create a sense of urgency when you communicate (by Carey Nieuwhof)
• Walking in swing (by Christopher Beth)

Free eBook

Success Unlocked: The Transformative Power of Questions

This isn’t just another leadership book—it’s your invitation to discover how Christ-centered questions can transform the way you lead and live. Packed with real stories and timeless wisdom, it shows you how to grow your influence, deepen your faith, and lead with the same life-changing impact Jesus did.

Download Now