Balancing ministry and personal life

Bob Whitesel Feb. 18, 2020

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Life was hard in Savannah, Georgia, in 1736. Disease, death and the harsh wilderness weather affected many. Not surprisingly, both John and Charles Wesley suffered bouts of serious illness. 

During one such bout, John recalled how a young church member, Sophia Hopkey (known as Sophy), “sat by my bed, read several prayers, and prepared whatever I wanted with the diligence, care, and tenderness not to be expressed.”¹ Governor Oglethorpe encouraged the relationship, thinking a wife might do Wesley good. Though Wesley wrote in his journal regarding his tender feelings for Sophy, she made clear her intention was to remain single.² 

Yet despite her best intentions, young women in the new frontier needed a husband and soon Sophy was engaged to a reportedly mean and violent man. When John asked Sophy about this, she replied, “I am in every way unhappy. I won’t have Tommy, for he is a bad man. And I can have none else.”³ Facing such a marital and spiritual predicament, Sophy asked John to tutor her in spirituality. An affectionate relationship began to take shape. 

John fell in love with Sophy, writing in his journal how he was charmed by “her words, her eyes, her air, her every motion and gesture.”⁴ But such emotions seemed to draw him away from his singular fixation on ministry, and, in addition, she was betrothed to another. Thus began John’s struggle. 

He sketched out reasons not to marry Sophy: (a) she was already engaged, (b) he was absorbed in a demanding ministry to Native Americans, and (c) she had declared her desire never to marry but to serve Christ alone. John’s methodological mind devised rules, resolutions and reasons built a wall between him and the woman he loved. 

John told Sophy he had decided not to make any decision until he had established a ministry to the Native Americans. Her response was cool, to say the least. Shortly after, she ended the tutoring. Then Sophy informed John she had consented to a marriage proposal from a ham-fisted and irreligious Mr. Williamson, “unless you [John] have anything to object.”⁵ John wrote in his journal, “to see her no more! That thought was as the piercings of a sword.”⁶ But he felt he must choose ministry over marriage. 

Since his first encounter with her, when she nursed him back to health, John sensed Sophy’s spirituality and tenderness were part of the support he needed to pursue ministry in the New World. Yet by seeing these two relationships as competitive rather than complementary, Wesley made a ministry error common among young leaders. Focusing solely on the needs of others precluded him from seeing his need for a supportive soul mate. 

1. Ministry and family are not competitive forces but complementary ones. 

John’s work was so daunting he rarely took time away from it, which created strain and ill health and led to poor choices. The first lesson from his experience is God provides friends and spouses as a support network for ministry. Just as God would revive the dry bones of Israel, God had provided support to John; he just didn’t utilize it. Trying to do ministry without the assistance of others, regardless of how important the ministry may be, will lead to impaired results.

2. Methodology can become a cage if not tempered by a sensitive heart. 

When John found himself thinking of Sophy too often, he set up rules, resolutions and reasons not to take a wife. His heart was divided, and it destroyed his sense of peace, which eventually affected his judgment. 

But God promises to create in us new hearts, able to balance laws and love. To the Israelites, infatuated with their rules, God stated, “I will give them a single heart, and I will put a new spirit in them. I will remove the stony hearts from their bodies and give them hearts of flesh so that they may follow my regulations and carefully observe my case laws” (Ezekiel 11:19–20). 

Whom do you look to as a support for your ministry? When was the last time you were with them? Did you seek their prayers, encouragement and listening ears? After Ezekiel’s vision of the dry bones, God reminded him that he would unite a nation that hitherto had been estranged (see Ezekiel 37:15–22). 

Ask yourself:

• Do I depend on rules and regulations to keep me focused? 
• What part does my love of God and the love I receive from others play in my time alone with God? 
• Do these requirements I put upon myself sometimes steal my time away from accountability needed by family and friends?

Accountability requires more than good methods; it must include people too.

Excerpted from Enthusiast!: Finding a Faith That Fills, by Bob Whitesel (Wesleyan Publishing 2018). 

Photo source: istock 

1. Kenneth J. Collins, A Real Christian(Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 2000), 45. 

2. John Wesley, The Works of John Wesley, vol. 18, eds. W. Reginald Ward and Richard P. Heitzenrater (Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 1988), 435-436. 

3. Ibid., 438. 

4. Ibid., 477-478. 

5. Ibid., 485. 

6. Ibid., 486. 

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Bob Whitesel (D.Min., Ph.D.) is a foresight coach, professor, and award-winning author of 14 books. For over 30 years, he has guided leaders and churches to pivot and engage what’s next. He holds two earned doctorates from Fuller Theological Seminary and teaches on leadership foresight, church health, and organizational change. His website is www.ChurchForesight.com. Learn More »

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