Adjusting your conflict attitude
Conflict is inevitable. What we do with it can have far-reaching consequences. The attitude we take into a conflict (planned or otherwise) greatly affects the outcome.
It is amazing what we do not realize about the way we think our mindset, paradigms and attitudes. I had no conscious thought of my approach to conflicts until God hit me with the contrast. Two meetings, both occurring within a week of each other, forever adjusted my conflict attitude. Here’s my story:
In the first meeting, a Bible study on Romans, we had arrived at Paul’s exhortation on baptism (chapter six). As the teacher introduced the topic, you could literally feel and see the tension rise in the room. At least half the participants moved to the edge of their chairs waiting. It seemed they heard something with which they did not agree.
Looking back, I am convinced that many ears were closed to hearing what the Holy Spirit wanted to say.
The second meeting was a blessed contrast. As with the first, there were people from various church fellowships and denominations. The passage being discussed was Jesus’ instruction regarding the consumption of His flesh and blood. Someone in the group asked, “What did Jesus mean when He said, ‘…unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you (John 6:53).’”
After some time of quiet contemplation, one brother said he wasn’t sure, but continued to share his interpretation. A second brother added his interpretation. Then, several others offered their opinions.
To be honest, I can’t remember what any of them said about the meaning. All I heard in my spirit was the “and” of their responses. No one corrected or disagreed with the others. It was truly amazing; so amazing that I almost missed the most amazing thing.
Somewhere deep in my heart this passage—which had long been a mystery to me—was given meaning. I couldn’t explain what I understood (that came later), but I knew something that I had not known before. The truth of that passage became alive and powerful for me through the attitude of “and” that permeated the room.
The “or” attitude
I suppose the lesson here is obvious. There are at least three attitudes we can take into a conflict. This first attitude is one of division. I call it the “or” attitude. We seldom say it out loud, but our minds are thinking, “It’s either your way or my way.” Or worse, “It’s my way or the highway.” The “or” attitude is prideful, arrogant and many times based on fear.
The “and” attitude
The alternative “and” attitude seeks to learn the truth, not defend our version of it. Such an attitude is humble, empathetic, curious and fearless. Paul spoke of such a heart attitude later in Romans:
“For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:3,10,16-18 NJKV, emphasis mine)
The “and” attitude is God’s way in a conflict. Such an attitude has great potential to create synergy as it seeks to appropriate a higher truth. This is true for every relationship, even those involving the exercise of authority (e.g., father/son, owner/employee). Without a doubt, I would have been a more successful manager during my corporate career if someone had taught me this principle.
The “neither/nor” attitude
Let me close with an interesting third attitude of conflict, the “neither/nor” attitude.
“For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but faith working through love” (Galatians 5:6 NKJV).
For Christian leaders, being right is not the ultimate objective. We are called to live by a faith that works itself out through love. This is the light that glorifies our Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16). Let us be disciplined and diligent to share that light with those in our spheres of influence and responsibility.
May God bless you with humility, wisdom and courage for conflicts that truly advance the kingdom of God.
Photo source: istock
 | Rob Streetman serves the body of Christ as President of two parachurch ministries: inLight Consulting (a workplace transformation ministry) and 2:2 Collective (a unity and church growth ministry). He is the author of two books: The Map Maker and A Storm is Coming. Rob’s heart desires is to encourage, edify and equip Christian leaders as disciple-makers and transformation agents—that they would become houses that stand in the storms of this life. He previously worked in various IT industry positions. Learn More » |
More on Conflict & Criticism
- Unique problems grow you uniquely (by Richard Blackaby)
- They tried to quiet Charlie Kirk—but the gospel still speaks (by Bob Russell)
- The power of an unoffendable heart (by Tom Crenshaw)
- How did Jesus deal with animosity? (by Chris Bolinger)
