A dire question to ask daily

Kim Niles Aug. 14, 2019

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Being in ministry, many pastors hear people share their worst life stories and grief experiences each week.

There are so many hurting.

Anytime someone shares a grief event with me, I always ask if they have a trusted family member or friend who encourages them.

Too many times, the answer is, “I could never share what I’m going through with my family or friends!” They usually add, “What would they think?”

It can be even worse for pastors and church staff—due to the pressure and expectation some may unfairly place on them of needing to have their life “together,” Also, church staff may not want to betray a family member’s privacy or trust.

I encourage anyone reading this to make sure their loved ones and church staff are OK because most of the time when a loved one struggles, it’s not always apparent. 

Recently, I began asking loved ones and those in ministry this important question,“On a scale of one to 10, how much do you love and enjoy life right now?”

I tell them they don’t need to explain their answer, and the answers have fluctuated between two all the way up to nine. 

Anyone who expressed a low number answer to my question are those I thought would’ve said a much higher number.

One close friend in ministry (who gave me permission to share this story), who smiled and enjoyed coffee with me moments before I asked the question, looked startled and broke down in quiet tears afterward. She replied, “Two.”Then she added,“I’m barely hanging on by a thread. I have a date written on my calendar to end my life if things don’t get better—it was within a week.”

I realize now how important it is to make sure my family, friends and those in ministry are doing OK. Had I not asked my friend this dire question, there’s a good possibility I would’ve been attending her funeral. I’m grateful she’s receiving the help she needs. 

People go through a lot in everyday life and the majority remains unseen even by those closest to them:

• The spouse who is silently unhappily married. 

• The pastor who secretly feels defeated or discouraged.

• The parent who is at their wits end. 

• The parents, spouse or family who silently experience the repercussions of a loved one’s addiction.

• The person who feels financial pressure; or in a dead end career or job; or who was recently laid off.

• The person who had high goals or dreams, they worked hard to see them come to fruition, but as time has passed, they see their dreams sifting through their hands like sand.

• The church staff member who feels burned out. They seem to only have time to work...rarely time to enjoy family or breathe, relax, or enjoy life...they continually feel spent and exhausted. 

• The person who just received a poor medical diagnosis and hasn’t yet told anyone. 

• The pastor who is experiencing marriage issues. They feel all alone, like they are having to wear a mask for the sake of their congregation and family. 

• The person who is dealing with issues of past abuse, past grief, or silent grief situations. It affects them to this day.

As ministers, we provide comfort and encouragement daily. Let’s also be sure to include our own family and church staff in our daily encouragement. 

If you’re going through a hard time right now, please know there’s hope. Seek out the hope and help you need so you can experience better days. Your best days may not have even happened yet.

Consider what your number is and consider asking your family, friends and the church staff in your care that important question; make it your goal to ask this question once a day. 

This may lead to a grand opportunity to share encouragement, love and faith.

Photo source: istock 

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Kim Niles is the author of Getting Your Breath Back After Life Knocks It Out of You and is the co-founder of Grief Bites. She is also a writer and partner for YouVersion, a Community Leader at her church, and an inspirational speaker. Learn More »

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