6 anchors that are holding you back
Nearly every day I talk to someone who isn’t accomplishing what they hoped for in their life. Not even close.
I haven’t accomplished what I hoped for either. My younger self assumed that at this point in my life I thought, for sure, I would have found my superman suit and would be effortlessly and heroically saving the world. I thought that if I found the mythical “right one” I wouldn’t have to work at my marriage. I still get worried about finances at times.
Most people learn to settle. I haven’t learned that yet. I might be ready to give up on a Superman suit, but I’m not ready to give up on a life of impact. The flawless “right one” isn’t out there. But I found a pretty fantastic “wonderful one” who is willing to learn this messy business of marriage and parenting with me. I haven’t won the lottery. No rich uncle has left me his fortune, but I decided I could learn to excel in business.
Head stuff
It’s all in my head. And yours. Nearly everything that is holding any of us back is not “out there.” It isn’t someone else’s fault. It’s in our own heads.
For every person being held back by someone else (OK, yes, it happens), there are 10, maybe 100, likely 1000 people who are holding themselves back.
When I first started coaching executives, I assumed we’d focus on mission, strategy and ROI. But, most of the time we’re working through “head stuff.” Beliefs and patterns. Triggers and reactions.
The six anchors that hold us back
There are trends in the nature of “head stuff” that comes up. Things that are typical.
I’ve experienced these as well. Whenever I cut free from one of the anchors below—my life, my relationships and my impact surge forward. This is true for my clients. This will be true for you:
Fear:I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m mostly afraid of what people will think of me. I’m afraid that I’ll run out of money. I’m afraid that my relationship won’t work out. That I can’t trust people. And so on. I have reasons for these fears. I could help underwrite a counselor’s career, but the fears don’t do me any favors.
Learning to recognize a fear and make the right choices to move forward regardless has done more to help me grow, in every way, than anything else.
I was so scared when I proposed to my wife all I could think about was the first time I landed, off-course, in Sudan in front of a rebel garrison. The mismatched uniforms, mirrored aviator glasses and AK-47’s—the movie stereotypes were true.
In Sudan, I put on my game face on and acted like I intended to be there. For my proposal, I tried to do the same thing as I fumbled for the ring and asked, “Will you marry me?”
What was I afraid of? Stuff in my head.
Resentment:This is an ugly one. I saw someone’s picture today. A professional photo. A little flash of, “I don’t like you” popped up in me. Resentment. I resent her success. It feels, to me, like it came too easily for her. This is a heavy anchor. It gets me absolutely nowhere. It’s toxic too. Poisonous. I have to keep going back to that and letting it go whenever it pops up.
I can be resentful towards all kinds of people. People who’ve done me wrong in the past. Even worse, “types” of people. You know, “those people.” Whoever they are. “Those people” always do this, that or the other.
I was shocked to read, once, that resentment is considered to be the core emotion of compulsive or addictive behaviors.
Since we don’t use the word “resentment”all that often, I didn’t tend to think of it as an important issue. But it is. And there it is in me. And that explained a lot.
Unforgiveness:Closely related to resentment. I had a high-school teacher whom I haven’t seen in maybe 25 years. He was hurtful. He was also young, arrogant, insecure and immature. I can see that now.
At the time though, I couldn’t stand him. I’ve wasted an awful lot of emotional and mental juice on someone whose name I can’t even remember how to spell (in case I wanted to stalk him on Facebook).
In fact, he may not deserve to be forgiven.
But unforgiveness is the gift that keeps on taking. It sucks us dry. Not only does he completely not notice my unforgiveness, but it holds me back. Unless I’m willing to let go.
Perfectionism:People relate to this differently. I just like things that are done right.
But getting everything “right” holds me back. It prevents me from getting a lot done.
I’m trying to avoid some level of failure, criticism or “less-than” that I can’t accept. Perfectionism has been one of the worst things for me. Others relate to it differently. Maybe it isn’t perfectionism for them, but they aim low, consistently, so they can never be accused of not measuring up. They weren’t trying to begin with.
This is a lousy way to live. There are very few things that require perfection. Most things require “good enough.”
I’m trying to accept that from others. Trying to understand what “good enough” looks like. It’s pretty freeing. I like it. I get a lot more done. My family seems to appreciate it as well.
Low self-image:I used to make fun of self-esteem and self-worth. I didn’t agree with it on a world-view level.
“Just do what is right,” I thought. Talking about ’self’ is just ’self-centered.’ Who cares what you think about yourself. (This is the fearful, resentful, unforgiving, perfectionist talking…)
Turns out, there is an important difference between accepting myself, in my journey, where I’m at right now and just thinking I’m awesome for no particular reason.
What I mean is a healthy sense of proportion about life and where I fit in it. The belief that I’m valued and that I offer value to others.
That’s a place of confidence. That is freeing.
Lack of trust:Some of us have been hurt. OK, all of us have been hurt in some way. Betrayed. Disappointed.
It is amazing how much time, energy and resources are soaked up by distrust. I mean, think about it, make a list of every industry that is based off distrust. That should open your eyes. People feed on distrust. Protect yourself all you want—distrust will hold you back.
Leaders who can’t grow their organization to the next level are nearly always hobbled by distrust.
It might be the executive who can’t grow her organization because she won’t delegate because no one else will do it right.
Perhaps, it’s the founder who won’t hand over the reins (even after he’s run out of steam, passion and direction and isn’t leading anyway) because he doesn’t trust the competency of those following.
Maybe it’s the team that is fighting again. The family relationship that is never really able to flourish because “you never know…”
Sure, there are reasons to not always trust. In most cases, though, it’ll cost you more to try to protect yourself than it will to offer trust.
Which anchor holds you back?
These are the big anchors that hold me back.
Every time I cut a line between myself and that anchor, something leaps forward. Something is set free.
I’ve decided that some of the most important business and family decisions I can make have to do with cutting these anchors out of my life. That seems to produce the greatest ROI I’ve ever experienced.
What anchor do you need to cut yourself free from?
Photo source: istock
 | Christian Muntean is a seasoned expert in fostering business growth and profitability. With a Master's degree in Organizational Leadership and certifications as a Master Coach, Certified Exit Planning Advisor (CEPA), and International Mergers & Acquisitions Expert (IM&A), he guides entrepreneurial leaders through growth, succession planning, and exit strategies. He is an accomplished author of three books, including Train to Lead. Christian resides in Anchorage, Alaska, with his family. Learn More » |
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