5 ways to reduce conflict in your church

Carey Nieuwhof Sept. 7, 2023

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Conflict can ruin almost anyone's day.

And sometimes in ruins an entire organization's mission.

Church leaders should deal with conflict well, but as a general rule, we don't. And because of it, we live with unnecessary conflict every day.

While eliminating conflict is impossible on this side of heaven, there are strategies to reduce it and to deal with conflict in much healthier ways than most.

Usually, leaders make one of two errors:

• In the name of truth, we compromise grace.
• In the name of grace, we compromise truth.

I've done both at different times, and it's not great.Everybody loses when you compromise grace or truth.

A thought that challenges me to the core is that Jesus always lived and led full of grace andtruth.

He never spoke the truth in a way that lacked grace. He never showed grace without also being fully truthful.

I wish most of us behaved that way.

But our default seems to be toward either truth or grace, not truth and grace.

As a result:

"Truth people" are often graceless.

"Grace people" are often spineless.

Neither truth nor grace needs to be a casualty when dealing with conflict. Especially in the church.

But usually, one gets compromised.

So, how do you deal with conflict in a way that embraces both truth and grace?

While this isn't a bulletproof guide (you could make it a life-long goal to lead with grace and truth), here are five things you can do that will reduce unnecessary conflict in your church and should help you lead with truth and grace.

Five ways to lead with truth and grace:

1. Align your team around a clear mission, vision, and strategy.

This one sounds like it doesn't belong on the list, but alignment can clarify so much. A church or organization that is aligned around a clear mission, vision, and strategy reduces conflict proactively. Clarity itself reduces conflict. When you are unclear, people develop competing visions and strategies of what your organization should be or do. It's your job as a leader to be clear. While clarity might cause some initial disagreement, it will create long-term agreement and alignment. This alone could prevent a significant amount of conflict.

2. Deal directly.

When conflict erupts, go directly to the source. Jesus taught this, but few follow it. Make it a practice on your team to refuse to entertain complaints about or against others. Have the complainer go directly to the person they have the grievance with. Often they won't, which eliminates unnecessary conflict immediately. It also eliminates gossip. And it makes conflict happen where it's supposed to happen—between the people involved.

3. Reply relationally.

Almost no conflict ever gets resolved over email. It often starts by email. But it can't get resolved there. If someone writes in a complaint, reply by phone. If someone calls you, book an appointment and meet face to face. If you increase the relational component to conflict, you will decrease the conflict.

4. Assume the best.

The longer you're in leadership, the easier it is to assume the worst. If you make it your default to do the opposite—assume the best—you will deal with conflict so much better. Don't assume people are out to get you or the organization. Don't assume they have it in for anyone. Assume there might be a misunderstanding. Assume they need better information. Assume you just need more information. Even if none of that is true, you will have begun by giving them the benefit of the doubt and given the conflict a chance to resolve early and quickly. If it's as bad as you might have thought, then at least you eliminated all charitable options first.

5. Be willing to disappoint one for the sake of everyone.

This one trips up so many leaders. Following the approaches above doesn't always guarantee a great outcome. As a result, in the name of pleasing everyone, we bend rules, make bad decisions, and practice organizational gymnastics to please an unpleasable or off-mission person in the hopes that they won't be disappointed and walk away. Rethink that.

Let them go if the complainant truly doesn't want a resolution or expects the entire organization to bend to their whims. They would probably be happier elsewhere anyway. When you have done all you can do to resolve conflict in the healthiest way you know how, sometimes it's okay to sacrifice one for the sake of everyone. The alternative is a dysfunctional organization where everyone suffers because you bent to the unreasonable whims of a person who couldn't see past themselves.

Those are five practices I try to live out that help me (and our team) function with what I hope is both truth and grace.

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Carey Nieuwhof is a former lawyer and founding pastor of Connexus Church. He’s the author of several best-selling books, including, Didn’t See It Coming: Overcoming the Seven Greatest Challenges That No One Expects But Everyone Experiences. Carey speaks to leaders around the world about leadership, change and personal growth. Learn More »

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