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James tells those who want to be teachers (and I take this to be anyone who instructs others in the ways of the Lord) that they need to be careful with their speech (3:1-12), as they will be judged more harshly.
The Greek word for judge, krima,has to do with separating, selecting or choosing, but not in a way we might think. It is doing so for the purpose of judging or condemning. When you accept a role of teaching or instructing in the Word of God, you have set yourself up to be judged. You might as well put “Kick me” on your backside.
However, where we need to be most concerned is not with other’s judgment or criticism, not even their praise, but that our words can literally affect the entire course of another’s life.
James 3:5-6 puts it like this: “By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell” (The Message).
To that end, let me offer these 10 ways to improve communication. As you consider these, keep in mind someone you need to communicate with or are having trouble communicating with. These tips may improve those interactions.
Always pray over the conversation before and after, asking God to guide you both toward discerning His purpose in bringing you together.
1. Prepare the environment: Make sure you’re somewhere where you won’t be distracted. Ideally, meet in a neutral place, familiar to you both. Make it comfortable.
2. Connect:Talk about what you have in common, recall an experience you have shared, or an interest you both have. Establish a common goal for meeting and for this conversation.
3. Remove your boxing gloves: This is not about winning, making a point or defending a position. Be assertive but not aggressive. Even if the other person attacks, don’t defend, but rather, “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19).
4. Issue an invitation: Ask the other person to join you in working toward a resolution that will benefit the kingdom, honor the Lord and be in the best interests of you both.
5. Be humble: I like to say, “There is no such thing as reality, only perception of reality.” Their perception is their reality. Deal with it. Also, listen to and validate their emotions and help them to know they matter.
6. Own it: Make sure they understand what you want and why that is important, but even more important, listen for what they want and what is important to them. Before moving forward, restate and agree on how you want to use this time.
7. Stay focused: Don’t allow past issues or other complaints to be a distraction. Put aside other topics that can be discussed later.
8. Check it out: Ask for clarification, rephrase what you just heard and press for more information so you clearly understand what the other person is saying or asking for.
9. Find agreement: Often the difference is not as great as it seemed once you identify what you both have in common.
10. Look for a compromise or sacrifice: Based upon what remains, look at what options are available and acceptable to you both.
Following these steps should eliminate issues that often derail most conversations. The difference should be clearer as well as what is most important and what needs to be done about it. There will be issues that go unresolved, but you want to leave the other person feeling as though they have been heard and that they’re valued.
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13).
“To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is” (Proverbs 15:23).
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 | Phillip A. Foster, Ph.D., as a psychologist and Director of AuthenticQuest.org, provides spiritual direction, counseling, training and consulting, to those in ministry or other roles of leadership in the church. He is the author of Here's My Heart, Lord; Parent With an Attitude, and Not Good Enough. Learn More » |
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